The farewell

He cried..

I never dreamt that he even cared. Much less, cried..

I knew my resignation would be an inconvenient to most of them as I always thought that I am just a headcount to fulfil a quota in order for the business to keep going. But that was it.

For the past 10 years, I have been so scared of him..

I remember when I first joined the company and my senior was away on a long holiday, I did not know that I was supposed to remind him of our MD's birthday. I was new back then, and didn't even know it was the MD's birthday much less, need to remind anyone about it.. Boy! Was he furious.. He even said if ever I head the department, the company would collapse..

I tried to make his favourite Chinese tea one time, and I was scolded for serving him coloured water.

When he found out that I got married without inviting anyone from the office, that was when it got very obvious I was his least favourite employee.

I tried to get out of his way most of the time since then... Wishing I could disappear and blend with the wall and held my breath every single time he walked pass by.

As time passed by, he finally did acknowledge my work, but I remained fearful of him. And yet, he was the one who promoted me; and at even one point over ruled my senior's decision to nominate me for the Best Employee Award. Despite my fear of him, he restored my 'old school' ideals about an Ang Mo Boss. I guess his 'Traditionalist/Baby Boomer' character matches what my 'Gen-X + Capricorn'  character expects from a boss.

And despite my fear of him, I do have to give him credit that he was the one who taught me about not to fear making big decision.

If you read my earlier posts about my struggle with the decision to migrate or not to migrate a couple of years ago, you might wonder what gave me the affirmation to just go for it. One day as we were discussing about work related matter and my senior happen to hesitate to make a decision. That was when he said 'Do not be afraid to make a decision. Sometimes the decision is right, sometimes it will not be right. That is ok. But don't be afraid to decide'..

To a risk-averse person like me, those sentences were life changing.

As much as I fear him, I somehow drew courage to take step to get out of my comfort zone, from his advise.

That was the day I decided to just go for it. In fact, I could still hear his voice saying those word. 'Don't be afraid to make a decision'..

Fast forward to the present, what happened during my farewell dinner shocked me to my core. It shocked everyone who attended as well. We have not seen him cried like that ever before. I have worked for the company for 10 years  and I have never seen him cried. Yes, I have seen him gone ballistics in anger before, but never turned red nosed, cried and hugged anyone.

( Except for one colleague who have been telling me that he gets emotional whenever he asked her why did I choose to resign. She was the only one who told me, 'I told you so!') For the rest who knew him better than I do, they said because he had too much to drink.

Well, whatever the reason was, it shocked me that my leaving effected him at all. What more to say that way. I thought I was nobody to him. For a nobody, who was so used to fearing him, (and wishing that she could disappear and blend with the wall whenever he walked passed by) ;to see that  the Chairman cried during her farewell dinner, it was really something.

Of course, I told him that it was him who gave me the courage to make one of the hardest decision in my life. I told him I drew courage from his word of wisdom and I will carry it with me in my next chapter in life.

The hug erased all the fear I have of him for the last 10 years.

It was a huge affirmation for me.

It will be something I treasure more than the award he gave me.

It also eases the closure of this old chapter with much fondness, as I begin a new one.

Walk ahead

It feels really weird to be calling candidates to attend an interview for a position which you will let go of soon. To find your replacement. It feels surreal. And if I allow myself to think about it much longer, I would start to feel really sad.

I find myself doubting this decision.

I find myself hoping, that I would not regret it.

For the past weeks since I tendered my resignation, and since the reality of that decision really sunk in, I find myself praying and telling Father God to please know that I am grateful for what I do have now.

I told Him I am thankful for the little house that I have, the old car that I drive, the 'I-have-fallen-out-of-love' job that I have, in general, the life that I lead here. I have gone to the extreme, to even thank Him for the kitchen towels that I have. {Yes, I am weird that way, in case you have not figure it out}.

And if He would just tell me to stay, I would.

I do not know why I had this desperate feeling of telling Him that I do not want Him to think that I am taking everything here for granted.

As if He does not know..

So that has been my prayer lately..

And today, I came across this Bible verse.

(Pinterest)

 

 

And with that, everything falls back into perspective.

 

It was not easy for me to get to where I am at this point. By right, I had everything against me, but by His grace, I am here.

 

Most people are aghast that it appeared to be so easy for me get to this point. When in fact, it has been one of the hardest things I have every done.

 

Letting go of this job, is just part of the process.

 

I have been too preoccupied with the process, that I forgot to look ahead. I have been too focused on looking back, despite the fact that intellectually, I know I should only look ahead..

 

Okay, I admit, I am scared to step out of my comfort zone.

 

How do people do this?...

 

*Breathe*

 

Now, I just have to lift one foot to take the next step forward.. After that, I need to lift the other foot.

 

Hmm. Sound like a good plan. Let's do this!

 

 

 



It is done..

I did it, peeps..

I have thrown in the towel on 5 May 2014. It was on my first day to work after coming back from a long holiday.

I have triggered the chain of reaction and the domino tiles are now falling... It is now the point of no return..

There were 'alleged' episodes of freaking out, because it was a totally unexpected move from me.

Everyone in the office were in a state of shock. My dearest friend went through an episode of depression because like she said, she knew  I was going to leave, but she never thought that I really would. (Despite my numerous hints.)

Some are sad, others are shocked. And another is excited for me..

How do I feel, you ask?

I am sad, of course.

I mean, how does one say goodbye to a place that they have known for so long? Then I find myself asking another question, 'How much longer can you stay? Is there any reason for you to stay?'

I guess the hardest part about letting go of this job is that, I truly cherished it. When I first got it, it was an answered prayer down to the T.

I loved and cherished this opened door as much as Smigel loved his ring..

For that reason, I stayed even when it was easier to resign. I was hungry to learn.

But as much as I cherished it, I have reached a point where I no longer enjoy it.  As much as I was very hungry to learn, it was no longer feeding me right.

Some asked me why would I throw away something I have worked so long for. I am not sure if 'throwing away' is quite how I would describe how I feel about it.

It felt more like, "This has been my baby for 10 years, and  now I am returning it with much love. Thank you for giving me the chance to build it and let it grow to the best I know how. May not be enough to some, but that was all that I have".

So now I am in the process of letting it go.

Not easy. Not easy at all.

Need to keep reminding myself of this :

(Pinterest)

Thank you..

 

To that one constant the prayer that I  have literally cried out to Him for these last 2 years...

 

 

Amen!

Yup, sounds like a good plan...

(Pinterest)

Do you smell that?..

I have been sensing something has not been quite what it appears to be, for a while now.

However since it is 'not nice', I have refrained myself from penning it.

It has gotten to be more obvious lately, so I guess it is worth sharing. At first glance, what I am about to share may not be 'in line' with my 2014 motto.

Then again, having given it a few rounds of 're-thinking' for quite a while now, it checks with  'TRUE'..

So I guess it qualifies, ya?

And here is my 'Note to Self';

If you have get a whiff of shit; trust your nose...
 

 It is shit.

Fresh start

While this period can still be categorised as spanking brand new year, allow me to wish you HAPPY NEW YEAR!

*pop the confetti poppers & jump & dance*

Ok.. So how was 2013 for me, you might ask?

The first half was ok, the second half was not good. Don't even let me go to the last quarter. I have never seen that level of demotivation at work, not only for me, but the office in general. The indicator was for the first time in almost 10 years no one was in the mood to set up the office Christmas tree, let alone organise the pre-Christmas lunch. Most of us were feeling 'blergh' (If there is such a word) at  'special someone'.

On the personal front, I lost my maternal grandmother in October , beloved uncle in November and my dog Cayramel in December. Hence the silence. Lost my mojo to blog.

By year end, I spent my year end leave not going anywhere but hibernated. Needed to recuperate. So badly.

Having said that, there were good things happening in 2013 too.

1. I did my first landing in May. That was major.

2. I discovered something on Pinterest that I actually practised. It is called the 5-Dollar Saving Plan.

(Pinterest)

Basically, every time you get a $5 note, you save it. Do this for a year. I am into my 10th month now, and am so looking forward to end of March 2014 to find out how much I have saved.

For those who finds it challenging to set aside 30% of your paycheck ever month into your saving, try doing the $5 Saving Plan over a period of 1 year. It is do-able. Trust me. I am not able to set aside 30% every month, but this $5 is do-able. Best part you get to 'treat' yourself with it after the end of 12th months. You could deposit it in the bank, or treat yourself with your heart's desire.

3. I learnt the importance of being grateful and trying to look for nuggets of goodness in the dreary of daily life. It really helped when your are overwhelmed by lost of loved ones and work overload.

So, what is my resolutions this year?

I am not sure if you could call it a resolution, but I found it by chance as I was prepping myself for first day of work. It is more of a motto, I guess.

 

Yes, this is how I intend to start the year. And since this is THE year that hubby and I have been waiting for, it is good to be guided and reminded by this verse as we prepare to enter a new chapter in our lives.

 

Another quote which is equally important this year is this.

 

(Pinterest)

 

(Pinterest)

 

I hope to see 2014 through the eyes of Ellie Frederickson  and carry within me a spirit of Adventure.

 

Will you join me?...

 

 

(Pinterest)