Baby step

In previous posts, I shared about an old dream which became my life's road map which I've outgrown.

I have planted another dream last year, which seemed impossible to be achieved. But for reasons beyond my command of vocabulary, I do not know why I did it. But it was something I prayerfully laid on His feet. I have asked Him, why do I have these 'feeling' when I am clueless as to how to start to even find ways to embark on that journey.

I have been in similar situation before. Asking Him if I take this step, how on earth will it work out? Based on my (shamefully poor) command in adding and substracting, using all ten fingers and ten toes calculating, analysing,  reasoning, using all sorts assumptions in deriving the best possible solution/option, it seemed not achievable. Based on my calculation I will be in a worst state than before. Then all these years of hard work, will be down the drain.

Looking up, I asked Him last week " How then?"..

In a true 'God- can- answer- you- through- a- talking- mule' fashion, He answered me a few days later using this verse, through a blog I subscribed to. The blogs talks about a totaly different topic, but the verse left me dumbfounded.

"I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." 

Isaiah 45:3

I realised then something which I once knew but have forgotten (and therefore needs to be reminded).

My security lies not on the things I could count with my ten fingers and ten toes. My security lies with Him. No matter where life brings me, (or more accurately, where He leads me) He will be there in each step.

Just like Moses before the Red Sea parted, I must take that FIRST step into the water in faith that God is with me in every step. God would not be able to do His end of the deal (to part the Red Sea), if I continue to fret and wriggle my toes by the sand, waving all my 10 fingers  at Him listing why it is not possible to cross the Red Sea.

The changing wheels are starting to creak now. Need oiling in some parts. And total overhaul in other parts.

Into the Red Sea (errr.. in my case, Blue Sea) I must inch...

Dream

Psalm 37:4:

   ⁴Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

(Source: Google Image)

(Source: Google Image)

(Source: Google Image)

(Source: Google Image)

  

The bridge

So, the festival is over.. It is always wonderful to be able to go back and meet up with the rest of the relatives and just enjoy each other's company. I will share the festive photos some other day. For today, I want to celebrate a memory.

My sister and I decided to bring her son for a walk one evening. The boy hardly ever goes to the jungle. So we brought him for a walk to a hanging bridge we used to cross to go my grandparents farm.

To tell you the truth, I have not cross that bridge for a very long time. If my memory serve me correctly the last time I went to the farm was when my grandfather was still alive and I was still in my late teens. (Yes, that very long ago)

I could not pin an exact reason why I have not been on the other side for that long. Maybe since my grandfather died, there was less reason to go to the farm. There are just so much wonderful memories.

My grandparents used to call their farm, as their 'office'. When we were in younger, every school holiday my dad would sent us back to the longhouse to undergo 'longhouse training', as he calls it.

My grandparents of course, were only too happy to have us little ones, going to the 'office' with them. They would teach/train us how to tap rubber, pluck cocoa and pepper corns. I learnt at a very young age,the importance of working hard and through their lives, I learnt there is no short cuts in life.

They both got married very young (that was how things were 60 years ago). My grandmother always remind us how she and my grandfather started their lives together. She said things were really hard, for they had nothing. For that reason, she always taught us, never to look down on people who have less, for they were once very poor too. But one thing for sure, both of them were not afraid of hard work and slowly build their lives from there.

When we had our walk that evening and I saw this bridge again, I am reminded again of all the stories my grandparents used to tell us and all the life lessons they shared with us.

As we go through our lives, it is really easy to get distracted and demotivated by hardship. I guess, maybe that is why He led me back to that bridge again.

When I see this bridge, it reminds me of my late grandfather.

How hard a life he led when he was young. But he never complained about it. Not once.

How he calls a spade, a spade. Not one to mince words. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

How he worked hard to improve his life and provided the best he knew how for his young family.

How he valued education so much that eventhough he never went to one himself, he built a school which still carries his name sake till this day.

How he harped on us the importance of saving.

How as much as he worked hard to earn a living and save money like a miser, when it comes to the things he love, he would not think twice about spending money on it.

How he had a vision for a man who lived in the jungle. He built a 20 seater table when there were only 10 of us to occupy it if everyone went back to the longhouse for gawai. Other folks used to laugh at his 'nonsense'. But he was very confident that one day will come, the table will be filled and there might not be enough seats for his grandchildren. True enough, 30 years after he built that table, the seats were filled, but he was not around to see it. 

There are so many other things that I remember about him while walking on this bridge that evening.

Being reminded again of him, anchors me back to who he was, who I am and how far I have gone. A resolution slowly grew inside me , just like this little fern growing on one of the planks.

What I took back with me from that walk was these:

This bridge was built before I was born, and years later, it is still strong and safe. My grandfather and his kin, chose only the best wood that could withstand the harsh environment to built this bridge. Just like this bridge made of hardwood (belian), strong values can withstand the test of time, rain and shine. So, I must never forget the values he tried to instill within me. Our values, unlike our possesions could never be taken away.

I guess, one dream have to be lived out and served its purpose for a period of time. Then it will die naturally so that a new dream can grow.

Its ok to let go of old dream if there is no longer any life in it. And eventhough it might be very scary to start all over again, I have it within me to make it happen. No matter how hard. If he could do it, then I could too.

After all, I am his grandaughter.

June, already

How time flies.. 2011 is half gone! My.. So what have I done this year?..

1. Finally found a name for my blog. (After procrastinating for so long).
Still getting used to this. I was encouraged by a dear friend to start a blog a long while back. But back then, I was hesitant because there is really nothing to write as my life is really boring. I hate politics, am not a fashionista (recesionista, maybe), tend to confuse Robert Deniro with Al Pacino, craft-blocked most of the time, so what on earth could I write about?

I do not get those blogs where its writers tries to project to the netizen, an 'image' of themselve quite contrary to what they actually are in the real world. Especially if they claim that they are trying to capture and blog about their lives. I am drawn to those blogs, that does an honest self search and post reverting soul searching questions. Maybe that is what I am trying to do as well. So, if I am to start one, it has got to be the real me. (All the good, the bad and the ugly bits) Ok, enough with the deep stuff.


2. Went for a trip with the cousins.
This is the first time that we went out with these two cousins (without our parents, in tow). I used babysit and changed their diapers when they were babies and what a feeling it was to be able to go on a road trip with them as young adults.

3. Rode an Elephant
I finally knew how elephant skin felt like.. I expected the wrinkly bits, but not their bristley fuzz. When watching them on TV, I always wondered how their trunk would feel like, but I did not get to touch them. But riding on one, oh, how you would swaaayed to the left and swaaaayed to the right. You should try it! It's fun!

4. Had an eagle perched on my wrist.
I am not a bird person (at all, period). But this one was so beautiful, I just had to have a picture taken with it.

5. Brought hubby to Lookout Point
I raved about this place so much till it bored him. When I finally brought him there, he finally understood what the big deal was all about.

6.Went for a holiday with colleagues

This was totally unplanned and unexpected. But I had a wonderful time with my colleagues (no spouse). We spent so much time in the office together under the 'proffesional' circumstances. To be able to spend time with them on friendly basis was really wonderful. You get to know them better too when you had to share one bathroom and stuff.

7. Snorkeled
I had not swam for so long, I had to re-learn my dog-paddle strokes. Thanked the Good Lord for life jacket too. It sure helped one to float when one was too tired to dog-paddle to get a glimpse of the corals which is just less than 40 meters from the beach.

8. Parasailed.
This has got to be the highlight for the first half of this year. I am so happy that I managed to confront my fear of heights and can finally cross 'Parasail' from my bucket list. I have always felt dizzy when I am at high places. Surprisingly enough, being up on that parasail, felt quite calming. I felt like a kite. And I loved it.(Maybe it was the life jacket and sea below. If it was  the ground/trees/building, I might tell a different story)

I will do this again the next time the chance came along. (And again, and again, and again)

Ok, so that's my highlight and update for the first half of this year. There are of course still many 'frontiers' I have yet to explore. So far, though, I pat my own back, for challenging myself to do things I would normaly would not do.

*Planning what to do for the next half*