'I have to, even if I can't..."

Yesterday, hubby and I were bored and so decided to go for a car ride. Unsure at first where we should head to, we ended up driving to a town I used to lived in when I was 7-9 years old.  It goes to show how bored we were, by the time we reached the town, we looked at each other and asked, 'Ok, so what now?'. There is really nothing to do in that somewhat sleepy town.

It is not known for any great food, and the nearest attraction it has, is a lake. Even by the lake, there is nothing much for you to do, except to sit and stare into up yonder and pretend you enjoy the hot breeze against your sticky face.

Nonetheless, I have wonderful memories of this old town. It was a safe town. When I was only 7 years old, I would actually walk back home from school. By car, it was only  less than 10 minutes drive. But when you are 7 years old, carrying a school bag 6-7 kg worth in weight, your small strides could only bring you home within 45 minutes or so. There are so many good and funny childhood memories. So many adventures (or might I say, misadventures)

Yesterday, I told my husband, I wanted to retrace the path that I used to take while walking home from school when I was a kid. The bored man was more than happy to obliged. So we walked along the rows of shop lots and I shared which shop have changed and which shop still look like it did 30 years ago.

There was one particular shop which always intrigued me. It was a photo studio shop. Although it was a photo studio shop, being in a small town, you could not make a living just by charging a fee for taking passport size photos, developing and printing them. You also need to sell other things, by the sides. And that was what the owner did. In the show cabinet not only did he have all the beautiful frames and photo albums for sale, but on the top most shelf, he also had this gorgeous battery operated dolly that could crawl by a press of a button.

The first time I saw it, I fell in love with it. It was the most beautiful and sophisticated dolly my 7 year old self had ever seen.

I ran as fast as my small stride could carry me, and once I reached home, told my mom I wanted to that dolly. The following weekend while we went for grocery shopping, I dragged her to the shop and pointed to her the beautiful dolly. She went closer to the shelve to have a look at the price. Her eyes widen a wee bit that signaled to me, 'No way, no how, am I going to get that doll that day'.

Then she turned to me and told me that she would buy me that doll, only if I came up first in class. Now, yours truly was not exactly that hardworking. Especially not, in the homework and studying department. But for that dolly, I studied as hard as I could. I managed to jump from number 5 in class to number 3 in one term. I had it all strategised in my 7 year old mind that by year end, I would get that doll. I gave it my all so to speak, but no matter how hard I studied (or so, I thought), I could not get passed number 2 in the class by year end. A whole year of trying seemed like an eternity when you are only 7 years old. So I gave up on it. I resigned to my fate that, the dolly and I were not meant to be.

That memory reminded me to the current 'out of reach' goal that I have right now. Part of the 'Decision' entails, that I have to sit for an exam. I am far from where I should be. I have not studied and took mock exams until it gave me a bad headache and made me vomit before. But a lot is at stake, and since time is not to my advantage, I have really begun to feel the immense pressure of achieving the set target. Geez, and this is just the beginning of the process.

Yesterday, as I stood in front of the shop that used to sell that beautiful dolly, I questioned myself. What if I gave it my all, and still could not reach it? Yes, self doubts at this point. I even thought of postponing it. But, that would feel so wrong.

So, I went home with the resolution that no matter how I feel and where I stand right now, I have to give it a go and give it my all.

I just cannot let it go like I gave up on that dolly.

I just have push at it, even if I can't.

Still

~~~~~

Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

~~~~~

This song gets to me each and every time. I can be fine and be on top of things (or pretend to be) one minute, and the moment I hear this, I would turn into a bipolar 'waterwork' mess.

Vanity, tear streaked cheeks and bubbly snot mess aside, today I am comforted (yet again) by God's grace. As I type this, I am in the midst of facing one of the unexpected challenges arising from the 'Decision'.  The ocean is really rising for me now.

When faced with challenges, it is natural for us to either want to flee or fight. At this point, I cannot flee. Fleeing would be the total reverse of where I want to be. (Counter-productive to the 'Decision'.)

But to fight; how does one fight (for) this? I do not know how to reverse this, unless I can turn back time. (A time traveller, I am not).

So I am stuck.

I turned heavenwards the other day. I was ready to be all diva'ish and expected Him be quiet. And yet He answered me the next day through a blog I subscribed to, titled the Rare and Beautiful Treasure. The blessedly wonderful writer, Erin, shared a verse from bible; Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still"..

It took a while to register.. He reminded me that I have been on this path before; where He tells me to just 'Be still', amidst chaotic incomprehensible mess.

And then today, as I  read through the emails in my inbox; in one of the emails contained this youtube link to my all time favorite song. The same message teling me to 'Be still'.

Less than half an hour from the time I opened this youtube file, I received a call regarding the "Decision". I was also advised to 'Not do anything yet at this point'..

There you go..

*** 

"Dear Father God, unto Your loving hands, I surrender this . I will be still and know that You are God."

***

Do it, anyway..

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.

 

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

From The Paradoxical Commandments, by Dr. Kent M. Keith.

Faith

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Wordless Wednesday

By Faith Not By Sight

In waking I give thanks

In what’s not known

I have to trust, My Father

That yesterday’s pain is gone

For you’ve given me this day

For me to rejoice

To faithfully follow

To willingly hear your voice

For trials will come sometimes

And burdens I’ll have to bare

But you promised me father

To always be there

So I’m standing on that promise

No matter what I go through

And just in case I stumble

I’m depending on you

For you hold the master plan

And your path is always right

So today I’m embarking

By faith and not by sight

Author

~ Stephanie Storey Morant -

Hy-candy..

Need a dose of my hy-candy today and came acrose this image from Gala Garden.com

*Hyrandgea rush*

Go thru me, first!

I was channel surfing the other evening and came across the Oprah show midway. From the gist of the conversation, I came to know it was about how this lady survived a murder attempt on her life by her ex-husband. Basically the topic of the day talks about wife abuse.

As much as I detest wife abusers just like the next person, what struck me more was what the detective shared.

He shared that he had interviewed many victims of abusive relationships. He asked them, why they do not leave the relationship. Then he asked them, "If it happens to your daughter, if you know that your daughter in the same situation, what would you tell her, so that she will be safe?" All victims would say the same thing; that they will tell their daughters to leave.

He then said something along this line (Sorry I cannot recall the exact sentence he said). ~The difference between all the victims daughter and the victims is that, their daughters have them (their mothers) to look out for them. While they (the mothers) do not look out for themselves.~

I find that to be so true.

We spend (rightfully so) a lot of energy, love and attention to our loved ones. To keep them safe, to make them happy, etc. While we, suffer in silences, not knowing what to do. When our loved ones are in trouble, we will the the first one to dive into the fire and to keep them safe.

But when the same thing happens to us, we let ourselves drown/ burn.

Why do you reckon we do that?

Is it because, we think we do not deserve the same attention that we give to our loved one FROM OURSELVES?

Is it because we expect others to do the same thing FOR US as we would do to them?

And then get sorely disappointed with our loved ones for not doing/saying the 'very thing I would do/say for/to you if you are in this situation'

Isn't it odd? How we could love others so much that we could 'stand up' for them, but we could not  do that for ourselves. I am beginning to learn the same for myself.

I put my loved ones on the high pedestal akin to the demi-gods, and most times forgot that they could not read my mind. They could not say what I need to hear from them because they have no idea that is the very thing I need from them. And for me to expect that they should be able to, without having me to tell them so, is unreasonable and unfair.

What I have begun to be clear of were these though. We take a load of 'unmentionables' from others, from strangers, aquaintance, colleagues, or even loved ones.

But the worst kind, I believe, are those 'unmentionables' that we throw at ourselves.

So, I am resolved with these in mind:

• When no one says the words that is needed to be heard, say those words to yourself.
• When no one is kind to you, be kind to yourself.
• When no one stands up for you, stand up for yourself.
• When there is no body around to be that person you need, be that person for yourself.

Wordless Monday