Nonetheless, I have wonderful memories of this old town. It was a safe town. When I was only 7 years old, I would actually walk back home from school. By car, it was only less than 10 minutes drive. But when you are 7 years old, carrying a school bag 6-7 kg worth in weight, your small strides could only bring you home within 45 minutes or so. There are so many good and funny childhood memories. So many adventures (or might I say, misadventures)
Yesterday, I told my husband, I wanted to retrace the path that I used to take while walking home from school when I was a kid. The bored man was more than happy to obliged. So we walked along the rows of shop lots and I shared which shop have changed and which shop still look like it did 30 years ago.
There was one particular shop which always intrigued me. It was a photo studio shop. Although it was a photo studio shop, being in a small town, you could not make a living just by charging a fee for taking passport size photos, developing and printing them. You also need to sell other things, by the sides. And that was what the owner did. In the show cabinet not only did he have all the beautiful frames and photo albums for sale, but on the top most shelf, he also had this gorgeous battery operated dolly that could crawl by a press of a button.
The first time I saw it, I fell in love with it. It was the most beautiful and sophisticated dolly my 7 year old self had ever seen.
I ran as fast as my small stride could carry me, and once I reached home, told my mom I wanted to that dolly. The following weekend while we went for grocery shopping, I dragged her to the shop and pointed to her the beautiful dolly. She went closer to the shelve to have a look at the price. Her eyes widen a wee bit that signaled to me, 'No way, no how, am I going to get that doll that day'.
Then she turned to me and told me that she would buy me that doll, only if I came up first in class. Now, yours truly was not exactly that hardworking. Especially not, in the homework and studying department. But for that dolly, I studied as hard as I could. I managed to jump from number 5 in class to number 3 in one term. I had it all strategised in my 7 year old mind that by year end, I would get that doll. I gave it my all so to speak, but no matter how hard I studied (or so, I thought), I could not get passed number 2 in the class by year end. A whole year of trying seemed like an eternity when you are only 7 years old. So I gave up on it. I resigned to my fate that, the dolly and I were not meant to be.
That memory reminded me to the current 'out of reach' goal that I have right now. Part of the 'Decision' entails, that I have to sit for an exam. I am far from where I should be. I have not studied and took mock exams until it gave me a bad headache and made me vomit before. But a lot is at stake, and since time is not to my advantage, I have really begun to feel the immense pressure of achieving the set target. Geez, and this is just the beginning of the process.
Yesterday, as I stood in front of the shop that used to sell that beautiful dolly, I questioned myself. What if I gave it my all, and still could not reach it? Yes, self doubts at this point. I even thought of postponing it. But, that would feel so wrong.
So, I went home with the resolution that no matter how I feel and where I stand right now, I have to give it a go and give it my all.
I just cannot let it go like I gave up on that dolly.
I just have push at it, even if I can't.
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