Wisdom and Reminder

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Letting go

I am not sure if this is just hormones or what, but I found myself grappling with an issue of letting go.

Intellectually, this brain knows that in order to make room for something new, you have to let go of something old. Like, when you buy a new dress; you are supposed to let go of an old piece. That way, you will always have room in your closet.

Intellectually, you understand this concept. In makes perfect sense. But emotionally, now that is a different story. This post is not about letting go of an old dress, though.

It is about something else.

It is about letting go of something you held on to for more than 8 years. You associate your identity with it. Without which, you have no idea how to define yourself.

So... How do we let go, emotionally?

Found some nice quotes and sayings from (ya, ya.. where else?.. From the land of all things positive and nurturing).. Pinterest!

(Ouch! A big thump on my forehead)

 

(There is a fine line between perseverance and clinging on to something dead)

(This I find, the hardest to accept.. That there are things, that cannot be;  even after  you have spent more than 8 years of your life trying to make it work)

(Yes, the  negative emotions do formed some form of bondage on my spirit)

 

 

 

(Ok, working on this... )

 

 

Today's Favorite

 

Oh, don't you just love Pinterest. I know I do. It has become my go-to happy place. There is nothing you could not find on this wonderful network of visual boards. What drew me so inexplicably to it initially was one of its rules.

 

Basically you must be nice.

 

As I began to explore this wonderful world of visual pinning, I learnt so much from the quotes and nuggets of wisdom from pinners I followed.

 

Today I would like to share the word of reminder from my favorite pin.

 

 

The next step.

"Congratulation !!! Your application has a Case Officer located.."

That was the the opening of an email I received while I was away on a short trip with hubby, last week. I stared at my blackberry reading it over and over again. I did not know how to feel.

To be honest I was not having a good day that day, and I was just starting to cool off, when I read it.

I had to make a call to make sure my eyes were not playing tricks on me. Needed to make sure that email was not some cruel spam. The person on the other line, was gushing and happy on my behalf, and somewhat perplexed over my non-excitement.  She further explained what I needed to do. And yes, we have reached the final stage of the 'Decision'.

After I hung up, I just sat there and thought, 'This is it".

I have not told my parents and other family members about it. Whenever I do opened up about it, all I received are blank stares. Stares that held back  myriads of emotions. Disbelief ("How could you do this?, Why are you doing this? "); Rejections ( although I am not rejecting them in any way or form); Fear ("What will happen to you?") and Hope("Please change your mind".)

So, until I received the final answer, I have chosen to just keep this from them.

I do ask myself, why am I doing this? What am I looking for? Hubby asked me about the possibility of opting for this ' Decision' not less than two and a half years ago, I answered him a straight and flat 'No'.

A lot has happened that pushed and opened up my mind to make this decision.  I guess, it is true. You just never know for sure, what you thought you know for sure. ( Does that makes sense?)

A lot of prayer goes into this 'Decision' as well. I told Heavenly Father, there is no way I am stepping unto this path, if He is not there with me in every steps. So, far He has never failed to show that He is.

How do I know?  Well, I have made so many other decisions, and only met with closed doors that I just could not pry open. In fact, even for this 'Decision', when I planted my dream and told Him about it, I did not expect much from it. I just told Him I do not know why I feel the way I did, I just do. I have no idea how to go chase after it. I did try a few doors and they all slammed shut on my face.

It was not until, I surrendered to Him and let it go, that a little window started to open. I peeked through the window and asked Him , 'This way?". I was quite resistant to try that window, because I could not bear to have even that, shut against my already crooked nose. I did not feel like going through that again.

All it takes, is just climb over that window, and doors starts opening. Just when you thought, you are to take Door A, it shut; then Door B opened effortlessly. All I need to do, is take the next step, even if I do not feel like I could do it.

And now we have come to this stage.

I wanted to journal this today, because I need something to remind me about it in future.

"What I feel, may not be the reality. Just because I do not see it yet, it does not mean it is not coming my way"

Over and Over- Puff Johnson

I have not heard this wonderful song in a very long time. When I first saw the the movie' First Wives Club' and heard this soundtrack, I love it. It became my pep-up song during that time when I need some 'kicking'..

Today I feel like being reminded of how far I have come since I heard first this song.. And to celebrate it..

 

~.~

So you stood there on the corner
With your suitcase in your hand
Ready to quit this place
There were just too many people
With too little left to lose
You were just one more face
But you weren't born to give up easy
You weren't raised to just lie down

And you saw the sun that rises up for more
Over and over
You watch the wave that wears away the shore
Over and over again
And if there's any justice in this world
Gotta keep fighting on
Over and over

They say God always forgives us
But can we forgive ourselves
If we let our hope die
Cause if passion is a weakness
And silence is a strength
Who's gonna hear the cry?

So we gotta climb the highest mountain
We gotta shout for all to hear

And we'll see the sun that rises up for more
Over and over and over
And we'll feel the wave that wears away the shore
Over and over and over again
And if there's any justice in this world
Gotta keep moving on
Over and over
You gotta keep fighting on
Over and over
(All that we dream)
All that we dream can come to be
All that we lost we'll find if we
Just strike the match
And fan the flame
We'll build a blaze
That lights the way

We'll be the sun that rises up for more
Over and over
We'll be the wave that wears away the shore
Over and over again
And if there's any justice in this world
You gotta keep moving on
Over and over
Gotta keep fighting on

We'll be the star that rises up
Over and over
Over and over and over and over
'Cause if there's any justice in this world
You gotta keep moving on
Over and over
You gotta keep moving on
You gotta keep fighting on
Over and over

Over and over again

Today..

For the past couple of years, I subscribed to two wonderful blogs that inevitable impacted my life today.The first was  Rare and Beautiful Tresure. I was drawn to the blogger's voice{choice of words, to be precise} because she sounded so soothing. I was at point of my life where I was constantly bombarded with negative vibes, negative words, being put/looked down upon, being lied to, etc, but was clueless as to how I should handle it.

When I first read her blog, her words were so soothing to my soul and what scared me in a way was, how 'foreign' that seemed to me. I have not 'heard' that in a very long time. It only occur to me then, how conditioned I had been to receiving/ accepting all things negative in my life. And it made me realised how much I needed some form of gentle influences in my life, instead; for I was getting very tired and weary.

Once I have started following the 'gentle' path, there would be times when I find that it was so hard to keep a positive outlook. It was like whenever you try to stay afloat, you feel you keep drowing. Then I came across this wonderful blog Positively Present.

The blogger shared a very critical part about being positive.

Always surround yourself with people who bring you up. Choose not to be around people that cause you to be unhappy. Sadly, you're probably around a few people that bring you down, not up. If you find people in your life bringing you down -- yes, even family members or significant others -- find a way to separate yourself from them. If you want to live a truly positive life, you must be surrounded by positive influences.

 I realised then, that in order for me to stay afloat and breathe, I need to separate myself from people who seemed to suck all form of joys out of daily lives or those who are intent in finding faults as if there was a reward for it. It was not an easy feat if the person is someone you are close to.

But when you have reached a point where you could no longer bear being lied to or told half truths, or looked down upon; you will decide that enough is enough. While it is very convenient to just point at the other person and say, 'Oh he's/she's the jerk', it certainly takes more effort to work internally and ask your self, 'What are you going to do about it?'.

Then you will realise that you deserve better.

That is when you will love yourself enough to only surround yourself with those who will bring you up.

(Pinterest)

You would naturally choose to let go of any negative influences in your life.

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And so today I am a much happier person than I was before..

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Thanks to the wonderful blogger Erin & Dani.

Disoriented

I finally received word on the result of Part 1 of my 'Decision' yesterday evening.

It has been approved.  With that, we can proceed with Part 2 in making the 'Decision', a dream coming true. It should be a happy occasion, right? Hence why the above title, you might ask.

The major reason why I agreed with the 'Decision' was because of the 'pull' of a place. The place where I planted my dream. Now, had I not been to that place, I'd be contend being where I am, till Jesus' second coming.

However, I have been there; and while staring out into the horizon (literally) I asked myself,  "Why not live an adventure? Live on a edge a little, Scaredy Cat."

Hence, the 'Decision', came to be.

Since then, I have been focusing my internal telescope to this place. There were little bumps along the way, but the my internal telescope need not swing more than the length of a grasshopper's ankle to its knees.

However yesterday's news, totally jarred my orientation. While the result have been what hubby and I had hoped for, however the option given was totally unexpected. I asked Him why can't I be there? Guess what I saw on my Pinterest feed?

So here I am, still reeling from disorientation from this 'redirection'. I am not going to pretend that I am not scared.

I am. {Very..} It is not exactly what I wanted, though somewhat close. I am  not mentally prepared for the option I have.

However I am comforted by below;

It sure is easier to trust Him, when things are going our way. But when He redirects us and tell us 'No', I'd be lying to say I am not nervous.

Nervous, because all I ask is string of plastic pearls to play with. I am contend with plastic pearls and mud pies.

While He is telling me to let it go, so that He could put a real mother of pearls in my hands.

I asked for an adventure, didn't I?.. Ready to ride this adventure with me? .. :)

{You have your seat belt on? Wait, first you need to help me let go of my grip on my plastic pearls}..

Only You

A person can make you feel high,
A person can make you feel low.
But only you can decide,
Which way you want to go.

A person can hurt you mentally,
A person can hurt you physically.
But only you can place,
A limit on your abilities.

A person can cause drama,
A person can cause a situation.
But only you can create,
Your own reputation.

A person can make you laugh,
A person can make you cry.
But only you can make,
Decisions for your life.

I guess what I'm trying to say,
That when you're living day to day.
Don't live by what people do,
But live by what you know is true

~Author Unknown~

Today, Ms. Tequura says...

(Source: Image Internet)

• Sit demurely on the fence.
• Choose to see the flowers around you.
• Embrace those flowers for they represent the beautiful things in life.
• When the above fails, you can always retreat and crawl back into the safety of your shell.

Still

~~~~~

Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

~~~~~

This song gets to me each and every time. I can be fine and be on top of things (or pretend to be) one minute, and the moment I hear this, I would turn into a bipolar 'waterwork' mess.

Vanity, tear streaked cheeks and bubbly snot mess aside, today I am comforted (yet again) by God's grace. As I type this, I am in the midst of facing one of the unexpected challenges arising from the 'Decision'.  The ocean is really rising for me now.

When faced with challenges, it is natural for us to either want to flee or fight. At this point, I cannot flee. Fleeing would be the total reverse of where I want to be. (Counter-productive to the 'Decision'.)

But to fight; how does one fight (for) this? I do not know how to reverse this, unless I can turn back time. (A time traveller, I am not).

So I am stuck.

I turned heavenwards the other day. I was ready to be all diva'ish and expected Him be quiet. And yet He answered me the next day through a blog I subscribed to, titled the Rare and Beautiful Treasure. The blessedly wonderful writer, Erin, shared a verse from bible; Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still"..

It took a while to register.. He reminded me that I have been on this path before; where He tells me to just 'Be still', amidst chaotic incomprehensible mess.

And then today, as I  read through the emails in my inbox; in one of the emails contained this youtube link to my all time favorite song. The same message teling me to 'Be still'.

Less than half an hour from the time I opened this youtube file, I received a call regarding the "Decision". I was also advised to 'Not do anything yet at this point'..

There you go..

*** 

"Dear Father God, unto Your loving hands, I surrender this . I will be still and know that You are God."

***

Do it, anyway..

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.

 

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

From The Paradoxical Commandments, by Dr. Kent M. Keith.

The bridge

So, the festival is over.. It is always wonderful to be able to go back and meet up with the rest of the relatives and just enjoy each other's company. I will share the festive photos some other day. For today, I want to celebrate a memory.

My sister and I decided to bring her son for a walk one evening. The boy hardly ever goes to the jungle. So we brought him for a walk to a hanging bridge we used to cross to go my grandparents farm.

To tell you the truth, I have not cross that bridge for a very long time. If my memory serve me correctly the last time I went to the farm was when my grandfather was still alive and I was still in my late teens. (Yes, that very long ago)

I could not pin an exact reason why I have not been on the other side for that long. Maybe since my grandfather died, there was less reason to go to the farm. There are just so much wonderful memories.

My grandparents used to call their farm, as their 'office'. When we were in younger, every school holiday my dad would sent us back to the longhouse to undergo 'longhouse training', as he calls it.

My grandparents of course, were only too happy to have us little ones, going to the 'office' with them. They would teach/train us how to tap rubber, pluck cocoa and pepper corns. I learnt at a very young age,the importance of working hard and through their lives, I learnt there is no short cuts in life.

They both got married very young (that was how things were 60 years ago). My grandmother always remind us how she and my grandfather started their lives together. She said things were really hard, for they had nothing. For that reason, she always taught us, never to look down on people who have less, for they were once very poor too. But one thing for sure, both of them were not afraid of hard work and slowly build their lives from there.

When we had our walk that evening and I saw this bridge again, I am reminded again of all the stories my grandparents used to tell us and all the life lessons they shared with us.

As we go through our lives, it is really easy to get distracted and demotivated by hardship. I guess, maybe that is why He led me back to that bridge again.

When I see this bridge, it reminds me of my late grandfather.

How hard a life he led when he was young. But he never complained about it. Not once.

How he calls a spade, a spade. Not one to mince words. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

How he worked hard to improve his life and provided the best he knew how for his young family.

How he valued education so much that eventhough he never went to one himself, he built a school which still carries his name sake till this day.

How he harped on us the importance of saving.

How as much as he worked hard to earn a living and save money like a miser, when it comes to the things he love, he would not think twice about spending money on it.

How he had a vision for a man who lived in the jungle. He built a 20 seater table when there were only 10 of us to occupy it if everyone went back to the longhouse for gawai. Other folks used to laugh at his 'nonsense'. But he was very confident that one day will come, the table will be filled and there might not be enough seats for his grandchildren. True enough, 30 years after he built that table, the seats were filled, but he was not around to see it. 

There are so many other things that I remember about him while walking on this bridge that evening.

Being reminded again of him, anchors me back to who he was, who I am and how far I have gone. A resolution slowly grew inside me , just like this little fern growing on one of the planks.

What I took back with me from that walk was these:

This bridge was built before I was born, and years later, it is still strong and safe. My grandfather and his kin, chose only the best wood that could withstand the harsh environment to built this bridge. Just like this bridge made of hardwood (belian), strong values can withstand the test of time, rain and shine. So, I must never forget the values he tried to instill within me. Our values, unlike our possesions could never be taken away.

I guess, one dream have to be lived out and served its purpose for a period of time. Then it will die naturally so that a new dream can grow.

Its ok to let go of old dream if there is no longer any life in it. And eventhough it might be very scary to start all over again, I have it within me to make it happen. No matter how hard. If he could do it, then I could too.

After all, I am his grandaughter.

Sheepish

Hi peeps.

So I was barking mad in my earlier post. Today, less so. Venting was good. Once all the angry steam are vented, I am left grinning sheepishly.

(Illustration only. Not the real me. Source: Google Image)

Ephesians 4:26 

²⁶ “In your anger do not sin”^[a]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

Ouch...

There would never be an end to how we would react to the 'superior beings' of the world. We might react in anger, retaliation, sadness or run away depending on how we perceive the 'assault'.

But I guess, what is more important, how you allow yourself to react, ya? In the core of it, of course we must, at all times, carve Ephesians 4:26 in our hearts.

The 'In your anger, do not sin', looks easy. To me, at a glance, the word 'sin' represent the 'Big Sins', such as killing, stealing etc. It looks like, if you're angry and do not do anything with your anger, then you are not sinning. You can vent, you can bite the side of your table till your enamel crack, do whatever, for as long as you do not physically retaliate back in anger..

Do-able, right? At a glance, yes..

Then comes the next part. 'Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry'.

I have yet to reach the 'Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry' level. At times, many, many suns have gone down and I am not quite done yet.

It dawned on my today, if many, many, suns have gone down, and I am still not done yet being angry, it seems like I have not forgiven them. (Err.. that would be equal to sin, right?)

And what did He say about forgiveness?

Colossians 3:12-14 
 ¹² Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

(Illustration only.Source: Google Image)

I guess, I will be sitting on my corner for a while, ya.. Maybe until sundown... As in today's sundown. Not tommorow's..

Pinky promise...

Learning to forgive and letting go

Boy.. That's a hard one..

We all have gone(/ are going) through chapters in our lives where we vowed never to have anything to do with certain person(s) as soon as they are out of our lives.

Oh, how we hated/despised them when they unfailingly grated on our raw nerves, day after day that stretched into years.

Intellectually, we know it is such a waste of energy to simmer in continual annoyance. I, for one, am not a confrontational person by nature. But pushed far enough, I could be one.

I have been in 'a situation' for almost 7 years. Man, the first 3 years was hell on earth. The best way I knew how to handle was to keep it inside, hoping all the 'positive thinking' in the world can help me through.

I would vent, no doubt to those dear ones, who were angelic enough to lend an ear. But I could not find myself confronting, nor remove myself from the sources of my misery. I felt so helpless, being subjected to daily doses of 'tyranical tantrums' of those who knew better but for unfathomable reasons, chose not to do better.

Oh, how I prayed. How I cried to My Heavenly Father and asked Him how much longer must I endure? I knew He has a plan for all these pain, but as much as I was into the His master plan, (whatever it might be), I questioned it a lot. I have no doubt that it was a path that I need to go through, but I was very vocal about not liking the journey much.

Then a miracle happened. My mountain moved!!!

The following 3 years was recovering from the scar. After 'traumatizing' 3 years, it took a while start breathing normally and regain my self  esteem. It is amazing, to learn that you thought you know a lot, but it turned out that it had only just begun.

And this year is the 7th year, where I have reached a crossroad.

To the left : 'Continue resenting'
To the right : 'Start forgiving'

I can choose to just ignore, but the real issue would not be addressed. It will continue to fester and eat me up.

I shared with a friend about these crossroads. I felt as if there was this GARGANTUAN spoon of forgiveness on my lips, and should I resist with much force, it will be shoved into my mouth with equal force. No way around it, but to decide if ,or should I say, when, I would willingly open my mouth and swallow it.

Where the Father Almighty is involved, best let Him take the lead. After all, there is a reason why He said 'If you love Me, obey My commands'.

And the command was to 'Love your enemy as you love yourself". (Adoi!!!! How??)

Then I felt Him telling me Philipians 4:13.~ ' I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength'

So I turned to the right.

Just before I took my step, I asked Him, will it make me feel all those emotions all over again. I just could not go through those roller coaster anymore. I do not want to go into that battle anymore. I am done fighting and I have never been a good actress anyway. But if that is the path I must go through, then I trust that He will be with me to 'slay the dragon' .

I took my hesistent steps while donning my armour and I expected to come out scarred and charred from the hissing dragon.

Instead, hugs and kisses awaits..

Ok, peeps, please allow my  brain a moment to decode what had happened, because it is still confused.

(The look you see on that sheep, is one I am wearing since last Friday.)