Today, Ms. Tequura says...

(Source: Image Internet)

• Sit demurely on the fence.
• Choose to see the flowers around you.
• Embrace those flowers for they represent the beautiful things in life.
• When the above fails, you can always retreat and crawl back into the safety of your shell.

His promise

Deuteronomy 1:30

The LORD your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes.

Retreat!

Phew! Finally, after the long anticipation, we managed to pull it off. A lot had happened in between the time we first booked our flight to the day we actually arrived.

Lives have changed, and at one point, we did not even think we could make the trip happened. We learnt a lot about ourselves and clung to each other like its our last lifeline to sanity during that period. We are separated geographically to all 3 corners, but always drew strength from one another. Even with the advance of technology, nothing beats the actual moment of being with one another and just 'recuperate'.

God knew this trip was a much needed retreat for all of us. So, for those short precious moments, we chose to focus only on His blessing.

We arrived on the day the city was having their full day rehearsal for the Malaysia Day Celebration. The city was filled with an air of celebration. There were full dress parade rehearsals and air shows. 

The next day we drove to our much anticipated, Tip of Borneo. We went without much expectation, only the desire to be able to see what the Tip of Borneo would look like.

Once there, all of us were agaped to be greeted by this view.

 The view just takes my breath away.

In the picture below is the actual ground mass that makes up the 'Ear of the Tiger'. We had to drive a bit more towards it.

There it is. 

Walking closer towards it.

There.

'You are here'

After that landmark you walk further..

 And that boulder, peeps, is the tip most 'Tip of Borneo'.{Is my sentence making sense?} 

Oh, how happy we were!

With our other halves.

The smiles says it all.

Rejoice!

Oh my! Through God's grace, I achieved the target! It was a near impossible target that requires divine intervention. There was truly no way I could do this on my own. Hah! How wonderful it is to have connection in 'high places'. ;)

The result was as out a couple of days ago. I procrastinated going online to check it out as I was away on a vacation {topic for another blog}. Although I did think about it on the scheduled day of the result being released; at one point my anxiety almost spoiled my holiday. Then I was reminded again of a comforting word shared by a wonderful sister, to always look heavenward in whatever our circumstances we may be in.

I will lift up my eyes to the hills; From whence comes my help?

My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth.

Psalms 121:1-2

Thank you Father God!

Learning to be still

So, I sat for the exam last Saturday. The result is expected to be to out in a couple of weeks. I have done the best I know how.

I learnt over the course of last week, that my anxiety came from fear. Fear of failure to achieve 'The target'.  

Truth be told, I could not afford  to fail in this. Literally.

I was so anxious, that I fell sick. My hubby and a dear friend keep telling me not to stress over it. Intellectually, I understood that. But, I was far from it. In the storm of my anxiety, the verse 'Be still', keep popping up. I am not quite sure how to describe this, but despite the anxiety that goes on in my head, deep within my heart, there is a 'place' that felt very calm and peaceful. It wasn't until I was all spent from anxiety, that I took note of this 'sense'. It has been there all along, except I seem to allow my anxiety took over rather than focusing on what matters.

That was when I told myself to 'follow that peace'. The moment I followed it, *click!*, the anxiety was gone. Once I followed 'that peace', the thought of failing to achieve even became bearable. The thought no longer made me want to gorge my eyes out of its sockets in panic. Huh, wadaya know...

So, 'followed the peace', I did. Last Saturday, as I waited for us to be allowed to enter the exam room, I prayed to the Heavenly Father that I was entering the room because I know He is in there too. The exam went fine. I have no idea if I am able to achieve the target, but at least I managed to finished on time, sans diva drama.

Now we wait, and be still.

'I have to, even if I can't..."

Yesterday, hubby and I were bored and so decided to go for a car ride. Unsure at first where we should head to, we ended up driving to a town I used to lived in when I was 7-9 years old.  It goes to show how bored we were, by the time we reached the town, we looked at each other and asked, 'Ok, so what now?'. There is really nothing to do in that somewhat sleepy town.

It is not known for any great food, and the nearest attraction it has, is a lake. Even by the lake, there is nothing much for you to do, except to sit and stare into up yonder and pretend you enjoy the hot breeze against your sticky face.

Nonetheless, I have wonderful memories of this old town. It was a safe town. When I was only 7 years old, I would actually walk back home from school. By car, it was only  less than 10 minutes drive. But when you are 7 years old, carrying a school bag 6-7 kg worth in weight, your small strides could only bring you home within 45 minutes or so. There are so many good and funny childhood memories. So many adventures (or might I say, misadventures)

Yesterday, I told my husband, I wanted to retrace the path that I used to take while walking home from school when I was a kid. The bored man was more than happy to obliged. So we walked along the rows of shop lots and I shared which shop have changed and which shop still look like it did 30 years ago.

There was one particular shop which always intrigued me. It was a photo studio shop. Although it was a photo studio shop, being in a small town, you could not make a living just by charging a fee for taking passport size photos, developing and printing them. You also need to sell other things, by the sides. And that was what the owner did. In the show cabinet not only did he have all the beautiful frames and photo albums for sale, but on the top most shelf, he also had this gorgeous battery operated dolly that could crawl by a press of a button.

The first time I saw it, I fell in love with it. It was the most beautiful and sophisticated dolly my 7 year old self had ever seen.

I ran as fast as my small stride could carry me, and once I reached home, told my mom I wanted to that dolly. The following weekend while we went for grocery shopping, I dragged her to the shop and pointed to her the beautiful dolly. She went closer to the shelve to have a look at the price. Her eyes widen a wee bit that signaled to me, 'No way, no how, am I going to get that doll that day'.

Then she turned to me and told me that she would buy me that doll, only if I came up first in class. Now, yours truly was not exactly that hardworking. Especially not, in the homework and studying department. But for that dolly, I studied as hard as I could. I managed to jump from number 5 in class to number 3 in one term. I had it all strategised in my 7 year old mind that by year end, I would get that doll. I gave it my all so to speak, but no matter how hard I studied (or so, I thought), I could not get passed number 2 in the class by year end. A whole year of trying seemed like an eternity when you are only 7 years old. So I gave up on it. I resigned to my fate that, the dolly and I were not meant to be.

That memory reminded me to the current 'out of reach' goal that I have right now. Part of the 'Decision' entails, that I have to sit for an exam. I am far from where I should be. I have not studied and took mock exams until it gave me a bad headache and made me vomit before. But a lot is at stake, and since time is not to my advantage, I have really begun to feel the immense pressure of achieving the set target. Geez, and this is just the beginning of the process.

Yesterday, as I stood in front of the shop that used to sell that beautiful dolly, I questioned myself. What if I gave it my all, and still could not reach it? Yes, self doubts at this point. I even thought of postponing it. But, that would feel so wrong.

So, I went home with the resolution that no matter how I feel and where I stand right now, I have to give it a go and give it my all.

I just cannot let it go like I gave up on that dolly.

I just have push at it, even if I can't.

Still

~~~~~

Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

~~~~~

This song gets to me each and every time. I can be fine and be on top of things (or pretend to be) one minute, and the moment I hear this, I would turn into a bipolar 'waterwork' mess.

Vanity, tear streaked cheeks and bubbly snot mess aside, today I am comforted (yet again) by God's grace. As I type this, I am in the midst of facing one of the unexpected challenges arising from the 'Decision'.  The ocean is really rising for me now.

When faced with challenges, it is natural for us to either want to flee or fight. At this point, I cannot flee. Fleeing would be the total reverse of where I want to be. (Counter-productive to the 'Decision'.)

But to fight; how does one fight (for) this? I do not know how to reverse this, unless I can turn back time. (A time traveller, I am not).

So I am stuck.

I turned heavenwards the other day. I was ready to be all diva'ish and expected Him be quiet. And yet He answered me the next day through a blog I subscribed to, titled the Rare and Beautiful Treasure. The blessedly wonderful writer, Erin, shared a verse from bible; Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still"..

It took a while to register.. He reminded me that I have been on this path before; where He tells me to just 'Be still', amidst chaotic incomprehensible mess.

And then today, as I  read through the emails in my inbox; in one of the emails contained this youtube link to my all time favorite song. The same message teling me to 'Be still'.

Less than half an hour from the time I opened this youtube file, I received a call regarding the "Decision". I was also advised to 'Not do anything yet at this point'..

There you go..

*** 

"Dear Father God, unto Your loving hands, I surrender this . I will be still and know that You are God."

***