On the floor, by the side of the door..

About 4 years ago, I wrote about My Beautiful Box.

In that post, I shared about keeping the memory of My Beautiful Box locked away . When I wrote and published that post, it was more of a way to capture the ramblings of my mind about what was going on at the time. According to the statistics , up till today that post has attracted the second highest number of page views for my blog. Why that is so, I do not know. I did not think it would interest anyone when I first published it.

However that was one of my most personal sharing, albeit done in cryptic way.

Anyway, having kept  My Beautiful Box lovingly tucked away, locked the door; and move on, guess what?..

The door was unlocked from the OTHER side..

And I thought I had the only key.

Apparently the door came with a key which were that made in pairs.

What does one do, one ask?.. How does one react when one thought the door has been( although) reluctantly, but indefinitely locked; and yet was opened from the other side?

Inevitably, because it is 'My Beautiful Box',  one was drawn to take a peek into the hallway.

And that was when one's heart goes, " There you are, I see you..."

After  28 years..

And with just a sentence, one discovered a surreal kind of connection one never thought nor believed possible.

There is nothing one would change about one's life at this point. One is happy and contended.

However with the discovery of that kind of surreal connection, one could only sit quietly on the floor by the side of the door frame. 

And sit quietly, one will...

                 

                            (Source: Pinterest)

Into the blue

This picture seems to describe the beginning of this journey perfectly. Within its frame, is a trail that beckons you to continually to take another step of faith into the unknown.

When I took this picture, I didn't really know what the other end of the trail leads to, (except to the ocean), but the beautiful blue sky and the white sand on my feet are enough .

It is the same with this journey. I do not know where will I ended up being, but the beautiful place and its beautiful people are enough for me.

I wrote about the lost of my passion, which for the longest time has served as a beacon of my life's milestones. I have written about letting new dreams grow. From there, how I gave it my all to chase a new GARGANTUAN dream. And it came true.

I still have not found a new passion. But I am ok with that. At this point, it no longer bother me that I do not know where I ended up being. That is because I have started to learn to love the little things that pop along the way.

[Source: Pinterest]

Maybe that is what this journey is all about.

It is not about getting to 'that place' , but it is about finding myself again...

Wordless Thursday

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She is finally free...

Being so far away from home is always difficult when something huge happened.

Having just moved to another continent and not being around when my maternal grandmother passed away on 31 August 2014 was a blow for me.

No doubt I have bid my farewell to her before I left, knowing fully well that it might be last time I see her. But it was still hard.

She had never been the same since her stroke in 2010. She had to be sent to a nursing home as she was in a semi comatose state. Whenever I visited her it breaks my heart that I don't hear her call me 'Sayang Inik' anymore.

You see, she has 19 grandchildren and yet able to make each and every one of us feel like we are her favourite. At least to me, that is. That was her gift. Not to mention her super green fingers. She loves flowers and when she was healthy tending to her flowers and orchids were her favourite past time. Of course second to fussing over her grandkids.

My very first and earliest memory of her was sitting by her sewing machine and sewing away while she tried to teach me to sing 'Rasa Sayang' song. But she had her own way of singing it. It was 'Sasayang hey, sasayang saying hey'. I still can hear her laughter when I got the wordings wrong.

She was a very happy person. Her heart was full of love.

When she had her stroke, she was no longer the same Inik that I know. She would look at me but did not recognise me. And that was heartbreaking. Each and every time. I know she could not help it, but still, I did not know how to handle it. Then the visits to the nursing home became less frequent as it was really hard for me to see her in that condition.

So my last visit was to tell her that I was moving to a very far away place; and I told her I loved her. I was not sure if it registered with her.

As much as it was hard to let her go, I am relieved that she is finally free. I know she would not want to be in that semi comatose state for too long.

In my mind's eyes, I see her walking towards me with her umbrella and commenting on how gorgeous and fat  the Japanese rose which  she gave me turned out to be.. Just like old times.  When she  was still able to have her evening walks to my place not far from hers.

I see her laughing again.

Oh, I must say I 'inherited' my obsession with hydrangea from her..  And now I love it even more because it reminds me of her.

 

 

Love you Inik.. Thank you for loving me all these years.

[Yiruma- Kiss the rain]

New beginning

Hello there!

I am writing this from my new room, in a new place and in a new country..

We arrived on 9 August 2014. And what could I possibly say about the journey so far?..

Well, it has been filled with God's blessing, that is for sure.

When we first arrived, we stayed with my friend's nephew for 2 nights. He picked us up from the airport and brought us to his house. He is such a wonderful and kind young man. Of course I would not want to impose and overstay our welcome, so since last June, I have registered with Flatmates.com and gathered a list of possible shared accommodation.

We arrived on Saturday, got in touch with a potential landlady who contacted me via Flatmates.com and viewed the room on Sunday. And by Monday, we signed the tenancy agreement.

We have been so blessed that the landlady and her young family are so nice. Of course it is an added bonus that they too are from the same state that we are from. But it is another bonus that we have such a nice landlady who would offer to send us anywhere we need to go, when she is free.

She even taught us how to public transport system works and the whole nine yards. Her husband even brought us to the casino during his off day. Not so much for gambling as he was clearly as clueless as we were on the slot machine, but more for the wonderful eat- all- you- can buffet. (We bonded over our love for good food)

I must share of another wonderful soul, who offered to bring us around to register for our Medicare and register for our driving licence process. We only knew him through my husband's brother in law.
If it was not for him, we would be clueless how to go about registering for our Medicare and driver license process. To think he is a retired MD of a huge company back home.

If we are back home, such high ranking person would not give you ; a total stranger to them, any time of the day. And for that reason, we are so grateful to him and could not thank him enough.

The update for today, was that we both have sat for our driving theory test and passed with flying colours.  So now we have our Interim Learner's Permit to drive. [Yay!!]

We also went to the city after the test to register our arrival as required under the state-sponsorship visa. So it was a good day..

Now we are looking forward to go for our driving tutorial with the local instructor. But at least we have finally gotten our Learner's Permit. That is wonderful.. So much  better than having public transport as the only option to move around.

I tell ya, we both have not walked so much as we had  for the last 2 weeks. We even both walked 2.2km (each way!!) to the nearest Woolworth and Coles, just because we are that bored being cooped up in the house. For a couch potato like I am, that is a biggy!

But I should say we both enjoyed the walk very much as it is now late winter. The weather is nice to walk in.

As for the job hunting, yeah it we have started applying. I have faith that an opening will happen when He says it is time. Like they say, 'Faith in God includes faith in His timing'.

Well so that is my update for Day 17 from the new country.

Until my next update.. Toodles!

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The farewell

He cried..

I never dreamt that he even cared. Much less, cried..

I knew my resignation would be an inconvenient to most of them as I always thought that I am just a headcount to fulfil a quota in order for the business to keep going. But that was it.

For the past 10 years, I have been so scared of him..

I remember when I first joined the company and my senior was away on a long holiday, I did not know that I was supposed to remind him of our MD's birthday. I was new back then, and didn't even know it was the MD's birthday much less, need to remind anyone about it.. Boy! Was he furious.. He even said if ever I head the department, the company would collapse..

I tried to make his favourite Chinese tea one time, and I was scolded for serving him coloured water.

When he found out that I got married without inviting anyone from the office, that was when it got very obvious I was his least favourite employee.

I tried to get out of his way most of the time since then... Wishing I could disappear and blend with the wall and held my breath every single time he walked pass by.

As time passed by, he finally did acknowledge my work, but I remained fearful of him. And yet, he was the one who promoted me; and at even one point over ruled my senior's decision to nominate me for the Best Employee Award. Despite my fear of him, he restored my 'old school' ideals about an Ang Mo Boss. I guess his 'Traditionalist/Baby Boomer' character matches what my 'Gen-X + Capricorn'  character expects from a boss.

And despite my fear of him, I do have to give him credit that he was the one who taught me about not to fear making big decision.

If you read my earlier posts about my struggle with the decision to migrate or not to migrate a couple of years ago, you might wonder what gave me the affirmation to just go for it. One day as we were discussing about work related matter and my senior happen to hesitate to make a decision. That was when he said 'Do not be afraid to make a decision. Sometimes the decision is right, sometimes it will not be right. That is ok. But don't be afraid to decide'..

To a risk-averse person like me, those sentences were life changing.

As much as I fear him, I somehow drew courage to take step to get out of my comfort zone, from his advise.

That was the day I decided to just go for it. In fact, I could still hear his voice saying those word. 'Don't be afraid to make a decision'..

Fast forward to the present, what happened during my farewell dinner shocked me to my core. It shocked everyone who attended as well. We have not seen him cried like that ever before. I have worked for the company for 10 years  and I have never seen him cried. Yes, I have seen him gone ballistics in anger before, but never turned red nosed, cried and hugged anyone.

( Except for one colleague who have been telling me that he gets emotional whenever he asked her why did I choose to resign. She was the only one who told me, 'I told you so!') For the rest who knew him better than I do, they said because he had too much to drink.

Well, whatever the reason was, it shocked me that my leaving effected him at all. What more to say that way. I thought I was nobody to him. For a nobody, who was so used to fearing him, (and wishing that she could disappear and blend with the wall whenever he walked passed by) ;to see that  the Chairman cried during her farewell dinner, it was really something.

Of course, I told him that it was him who gave me the courage to make one of the hardest decision in my life. I told him I drew courage from his word of wisdom and I will carry it with me in my next chapter in life.

The hug erased all the fear I have of him for the last 10 years.

It was a huge affirmation for me.

It will be something I treasure more than the award he gave me.

It also eases the closure of this old chapter with much fondness, as I begin a new one.

Walk ahead

It feels really weird to be calling candidates to attend an interview for a position which you will let go of soon. To find your replacement. It feels surreal. And if I allow myself to think about it much longer, I would start to feel really sad.

I find myself doubting this decision.

I find myself hoping, that I would not regret it.

For the past weeks since I tendered my resignation, and since the reality of that decision really sunk in, I find myself praying and telling Father God to please know that I am grateful for what I do have now.

I told Him I am thankful for the little house that I have, the old car that I drive, the 'I-have-fallen-out-of-love' job that I have, in general, the life that I lead here. I have gone to the extreme, to even thank Him for the kitchen towels that I have. {Yes, I am weird that way, in case you have not figure it out}.

And if He would just tell me to stay, I would.

I do not know why I had this desperate feeling of telling Him that I do not want Him to think that I am taking everything here for granted.

As if He does not know..

So that has been my prayer lately..

And today, I came across this Bible verse.

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And with that, everything falls back into perspective.

 

It was not easy for me to get to where I am at this point. By right, I had everything against me, but by His grace, I am here.

 

Most people are aghast that it appeared to be so easy for me get to this point. When in fact, it has been one of the hardest things I have every done.

 

Letting go of this job, is just part of the process.

 

I have been too preoccupied with the process, that I forgot to look ahead. I have been too focused on looking back, despite the fact that intellectually, I know I should only look ahead..

 

Okay, I admit, I am scared to step out of my comfort zone.

 

How do people do this?...

 

*Breathe*

 

Now, I just have to lift one foot to take the next step forward.. After that, I need to lift the other foot.

 

Hmm. Sound like a good plan. Let's do this!

 

 

 



It is done..

I did it, peeps..

I have thrown in the towel on 5 May 2014. It was on my first day to work after coming back from a long holiday.

I have triggered the chain of reaction and the domino tiles are now falling... It is now the point of no return..

There were 'alleged' episodes of freaking out, because it was a totally unexpected move from me.

Everyone in the office were in a state of shock. My dearest friend went through an episode of depression because like she said, she knew  I was going to leave, but she never thought that I really would. (Despite my numerous hints.)

Some are sad, others are shocked. And another is excited for me..

How do I feel, you ask?

I am sad, of course.

I mean, how does one say goodbye to a place that they have known for so long? Then I find myself asking another question, 'How much longer can you stay? Is there any reason for you to stay?'

I guess the hardest part about letting go of this job is that, I truly cherished it. When I first got it, it was an answered prayer down to the T.

I loved and cherished this opened door as much as Smigel loved his ring..

For that reason, I stayed even when it was easier to resign. I was hungry to learn.

But as much as I cherished it, I have reached a point where I no longer enjoy it.  As much as I was very hungry to learn, it was no longer feeding me right.

Some asked me why would I throw away something I have worked so long for. I am not sure if 'throwing away' is quite how I would describe how I feel about it.

It felt more like, "This has been my baby for 10 years, and  now I am returning it with much love. Thank you for giving me the chance to build it and let it grow to the best I know how. May not be enough to some, but that was all that I have".

So now I am in the process of letting it go.

Not easy. Not easy at all.

Need to keep reminding myself of this :

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Thank you..

 

To that one constant the prayer that I  have literally cried out to Him for these last 2 years...

 

 

Amen!

Yup, sounds like a good plan...

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Do you smell that?..

I have been sensing something has not been quite what it appears to be, for a while now.

However since it is 'not nice', I have refrained myself from penning it.

It has gotten to be more obvious lately, so I guess it is worth sharing. At first glance, what I am about to share may not be 'in line' with my 2014 motto.

Then again, having given it a few rounds of 're-thinking' for quite a while now, it checks with  'TRUE'..

So I guess it qualifies, ya?

And here is my 'Note to Self';

If you have get a whiff of shit; trust your nose...
 

 It is shit.

Fresh start

While this period can still be categorised as spanking brand new year, allow me to wish you HAPPY NEW YEAR!

*pop the confetti poppers & jump & dance*

Ok.. So how was 2013 for me, you might ask?

The first half was ok, the second half was not good. Don't even let me go to the last quarter. I have never seen that level of demotivation at work, not only for me, but the office in general. The indicator was for the first time in almost 10 years no one was in the mood to set up the office Christmas tree, let alone organise the pre-Christmas lunch. Most of us were feeling 'blergh' (If there is such a word) at  'special someone'.

On the personal front, I lost my maternal grandmother in October , beloved uncle in November and my dog Cayramel in December. Hence the silence. Lost my mojo to blog.

By year end, I spent my year end leave not going anywhere but hibernated. Needed to recuperate. So badly.

Having said that, there were good things happening in 2013 too.

1. I did my first landing in May. That was major.

2. I discovered something on Pinterest that I actually practised. It is called the 5-Dollar Saving Plan.

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Basically, every time you get a $5 note, you save it. Do this for a year. I am into my 10th month now, and am so looking forward to end of March 2014 to find out how much I have saved.

For those who finds it challenging to set aside 30% of your paycheck ever month into your saving, try doing the $5 Saving Plan over a period of 1 year. It is do-able. Trust me. I am not able to set aside 30% every month, but this $5 is do-able. Best part you get to 'treat' yourself with it after the end of 12th months. You could deposit it in the bank, or treat yourself with your heart's desire.

3. I learnt the importance of being grateful and trying to look for nuggets of goodness in the dreary of daily life. It really helped when your are overwhelmed by lost of loved ones and work overload.

So, what is my resolutions this year?

I am not sure if you could call it a resolution, but I found it by chance as I was prepping myself for first day of work. It is more of a motto, I guess.

 

Yes, this is how I intend to start the year. And since this is THE year that hubby and I have been waiting for, it is good to be guided and reminded by this verse as we prepare to enter a new chapter in our lives.

 

Another quote which is equally important this year is this.

 

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I hope to see 2014 through the eyes of Ellie Frederickson  and carry within me a spirit of Adventure.

 

Will you join me?...

 

 

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Promise...

Of dreams and visions..

 

I have left this blog unattended for quite a while. It is not like I lack things to write about. In fact, I have many things I wish I could write about. Ok, to be precise, to vent about..

 

But maybe  I will vent another time..

 

Not today..

 

Today I would like to cling on to something dear to me.. Something I tend to let slip from the consciousness of my being, as I 'allow' the waves of life's daily frustrations overwhelm me.

 

Today, I would like to choose to be reminded of my dreams and visions.

 

Today, I am cherishing my dreams and visions. I will allow it to grow bigger, and more pronounced as I begin to discover words to describe them. It used to be just a thought; something I could not even utter. Or to be precise, something I did not believe I deserve.

 

But I am beginning to believe that I do deserve and own these dreams.

 

I am beginning to believe that they are put there for a reason. And I look forward to see what those reasons would be...

 

 

 





 

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The critics don't count

Have you ever struggled with a decision that just leaves you in a total state of dilemma. But at the same time, you just know you just had to make it.

 

I am still struggling with mine. I've made a decision that is less popular because it is a road less trodden.

 

With all my heart I wish my loved ones could just accept my decision. However, I know where the 'resistance' is coming from.

 

It comes from their own fear of the unknown.

 

And out of that fear, comes barrages of critiques, that at times, can be overwhelming and disheartening.

 

Of course, I do not blame them for 'fearing' for me. They fear for my wellbeing out of love for me. I totally get it. But when words of 'non-blessing' starts spewing out; and coming from one you love, it can sure starts taking its toll on you.

 

Oh well...

 

That is why the quote below is means a lot to me, at a time when I need to find my centre again.

 

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great end of triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

~ Theodore Roosevelt~

Wisdom and Reminder

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First landing

The long awaited day finally came.

 

The day I waited to see this view; of the Land Downunder.

 

 

I finally 'landed' on this corner of the huge continent on 12 May 2013.

It was mid autumn in these part of the world.

 

 

 

 

Maybe it was the weather, or maybe it was the occasion, or maybe it was my first experience of its mild autumn.

 

Somehow, all these 'maybe's rolled into one, made me realised how beautiful a fallen maple leave really is.

 

{I even brought home 2 pieces of such leaves. I am not sure if it is allowed to bring in leaves from another country into this country, but I did pray hard that I would not be dragged into quarantine because if it.}

 

 

Picture was taken in one of the winery I went to. See, even the locals love their maple leave.

 

So, do excuse this woman from the tropics who has 'leaf crush', ya..

 

Anyway, I had a wonderful trip getting to know this new place.

 

And most importantly, I am very happy that my visa is now ACTIVATED..

 

Story of Joseph

A friend of mine shared a wonderful reminder on our closed group chat on FB yesterday.  It was about the lessons learnt  from the life of Joseph.

This 'To Do' list is a wonderful personal reminder and a blessing for me, as I tend to fall off the wagon faith-wise.

And  I hope it is a blessing for you too, as much it has been for me.

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Trust that God is working everything in your life for your good (Rom. 8:28).

Believe that the heavenly Father is in control of everything.

Accept that the Lord’s ways are higher than ours

(Isa. 55:8-9).

Refuse to make quick judgments in the midst of a crisis.

Focus on the Father instead of circumstances. Meditate on Scripture, which fuels your awareness of God’s unconditional love and comforting presence.

Avoid dwelling on the pain. It’s normal to feel the sting of loss and suffering, but instead of fixating on the grief, go to the ultimate Source of strength—God Himself.

Recall past crises and the opportunities that followed.

(See Romans 8:29.)

Let go of anger immediately

(Eph. 4:26).

Submit to God’s will.

Demonstrate a spirit of gratitude.

Determine to view the trial as a chance to see God at work.

Refuse to listen to unscriptural interpretations of the situation.

Remain in constant prayer, listening for the Father’s instructions. God will often use hardship to draw you closer to Himself.

Do not give in to fluctuating emotions.

Obey God and leave all the consequences to Him. You can’t go wrong by trusting Him with your entire life.

~Genesis Chapters 37-50 ~

Authentic

Today

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I am having one of those rare days of having this 'space' all to myself. I used to have my own 'space' for a good number of years, until so-call progression came along.

 

I did not intend to pen my thoughts today, either. But being by myself, reminds me of the time, way back then. It did not occur to me how much I miss those time, until today. I missed the solidarity.

 

Anyway, it also made me think about how I was then, and how I am now.

 

How have I changed, you might ask?

 

I am no longer the same hungry and ambitious girl, I was back then. Back then, you could throw your shit {disguised as corporate politics} at me, and I'd take it. I could take it because I was hungry to learn.

 

Being here as long as I have, made me realised I no longer like nor want to climb the corporate ladder. Especially after you know how the upper echelon 'looks like'. Don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong in how it 'looks like' if you are up for it.

 

But I found that is not what I want for myself. At least, not anymore.

 

Hence, the Dream which I am pursuing right now.

 

Trying to do something remarkable with my life by my own standard.. :)