On the floor, by the side of the door..

About 4 years ago, I wrote about My Beautiful Box.

In that post, I shared about keeping the memory of My Beautiful Box locked away . When I wrote and published that post, it was more of a way to capture the ramblings of my mind about what was going on at the time. According to the statistics , up till today that post has attracted the second highest number of page views for my blog. Why that is so, I do not know. I did not think it would interest anyone when I first published it.

However that was one of my most personal sharing, albeit done in cryptic way.

Anyway, having kept  My Beautiful Box lovingly tucked away, locked the door; and move on, guess what?..

The door was unlocked from the OTHER side..

And I thought I had the only key.

Apparently the door came with a key which were that made in pairs.

What does one do, one ask?.. How does one react when one thought the door has been( although) reluctantly, but indefinitely locked; and yet was opened from the other side?

Inevitably, because it is 'My Beautiful Box',  one was drawn to take a peek into the hallway.

And that was when one's heart goes, " There you are, I see you..."

After  28 years..

And with just a sentence, one discovered a surreal kind of connection one never thought nor believed possible.

There is nothing one would change about one's life at this point. One is happy and contended.

However with the discovery of that kind of surreal connection, one could only sit quietly on the floor by the side of the door frame. 

And sit quietly, one will...

                 

                            (Source: Pinterest)

Into the blue

This picture seems to describe the beginning of this journey perfectly. Within its frame, is a trail that beckons you to continually to take another step of faith into the unknown.

When I took this picture, I didn't really know what the other end of the trail leads to, (except to the ocean), but the beautiful blue sky and the white sand on my feet are enough .

It is the same with this journey. I do not know where will I ended up being, but the beautiful place and its beautiful people are enough for me.

I wrote about the lost of my passion, which for the longest time has served as a beacon of my life's milestones. I have written about letting new dreams grow. From there, how I gave it my all to chase a new GARGANTUAN dream. And it came true.

I still have not found a new passion. But I am ok with that. At this point, it no longer bother me that I do not know where I ended up being. That is because I have started to learn to love the little things that pop along the way.

[Source: Pinterest]

Maybe that is what this journey is all about.

It is not about getting to 'that place' , but it is about finding myself again...

Wordless Thursday

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She is finally free...

Being so far away from home is always difficult when something huge happened.

Having just moved to another continent and not being around when my maternal grandmother passed away on 31 August 2014 was a blow for me.

No doubt I have bid my farewell to her before I left, knowing fully well that it might be last time I see her. But it was still hard.

She had never been the same since her stroke in 2010. She had to be sent to a nursing home as she was in a semi comatose state. Whenever I visited her it breaks my heart that I don't hear her call me 'Sayang Inik' anymore.

You see, she has 19 grandchildren and yet able to make each and every one of us feel like we are her favourite. At least to me, that is. That was her gift. Not to mention her super green fingers. She loves flowers and when she was healthy tending to her flowers and orchids were her favourite past time. Of course second to fussing over her grandkids.

My very first and earliest memory of her was sitting by her sewing machine and sewing away while she tried to teach me to sing 'Rasa Sayang' song. But she had her own way of singing it. It was 'Sasayang hey, sasayang saying hey'. I still can hear her laughter when I got the wordings wrong.

She was a very happy person. Her heart was full of love.

When she had her stroke, she was no longer the same Inik that I know. She would look at me but did not recognise me. And that was heartbreaking. Each and every time. I know she could not help it, but still, I did not know how to handle it. Then the visits to the nursing home became less frequent as it was really hard for me to see her in that condition.

So my last visit was to tell her that I was moving to a very far away place; and I told her I loved her. I was not sure if it registered with her.

As much as it was hard to let her go, I am relieved that she is finally free. I know she would not want to be in that semi comatose state for too long.

In my mind's eyes, I see her walking towards me with her umbrella and commenting on how gorgeous and fat  the Japanese rose which  she gave me turned out to be.. Just like old times.  When she  was still able to have her evening walks to my place not far from hers.

I see her laughing again.

Oh, I must say I 'inherited' my obsession with hydrangea from her..  And now I love it even more because it reminds me of her.

 

 

Love you Inik.. Thank you for loving me all these years.

[Yiruma- Kiss the rain]

New beginning

Hello there!

I am writing this from my new room, in a new place and in a new country..

We arrived on 9 August 2014. And what could I possibly say about the journey so far?..

Well, it has been filled with God's blessing, that is for sure.

When we first arrived, we stayed with my friend's nephew for 2 nights. He picked us up from the airport and brought us to his house. He is such a wonderful and kind young man. Of course I would not want to impose and overstay our welcome, so since last June, I have registered with Flatmates.com and gathered a list of possible shared accommodation.

We arrived on Saturday, got in touch with a potential landlady who contacted me via Flatmates.com and viewed the room on Sunday. And by Monday, we signed the tenancy agreement.

We have been so blessed that the landlady and her young family are so nice. Of course it is an added bonus that they too are from the same state that we are from. But it is another bonus that we have such a nice landlady who would offer to send us anywhere we need to go, when she is free.

She even taught us how to public transport system works and the whole nine yards. Her husband even brought us to the casino during his off day. Not so much for gambling as he was clearly as clueless as we were on the slot machine, but more for the wonderful eat- all- you- can buffet. (We bonded over our love for good food)

I must share of another wonderful soul, who offered to bring us around to register for our Medicare and register for our driving licence process. We only knew him through my husband's brother in law.
If it was not for him, we would be clueless how to go about registering for our Medicare and driver license process. To think he is a retired MD of a huge company back home.

If we are back home, such high ranking person would not give you ; a total stranger to them, any time of the day. And for that reason, we are so grateful to him and could not thank him enough.

The update for today, was that we both have sat for our driving theory test and passed with flying colours.  So now we have our Interim Learner's Permit to drive. [Yay!!]

We also went to the city after the test to register our arrival as required under the state-sponsorship visa. So it was a good day..

Now we are looking forward to go for our driving tutorial with the local instructor. But at least we have finally gotten our Learner's Permit. That is wonderful.. So much  better than having public transport as the only option to move around.

I tell ya, we both have not walked so much as we had  for the last 2 weeks. We even both walked 2.2km (each way!!) to the nearest Woolworth and Coles, just because we are that bored being cooped up in the house. For a couch potato like I am, that is a biggy!

But I should say we both enjoyed the walk very much as it is now late winter. The weather is nice to walk in.

As for the job hunting, yeah it we have started applying. I have faith that an opening will happen when He says it is time. Like they say, 'Faith in God includes faith in His timing'.

Well so that is my update for Day 17 from the new country.

Until my next update.. Toodles!

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The farewell

He cried..

I never dreamt that he even cared. Much less, cried..

I knew my resignation would be an inconvenient to most of them as I always thought that I am just a headcount to fulfil a quota in order for the business to keep going. But that was it.

For the past 10 years, I have been so scared of him..

I remember when I first joined the company and my senior was away on a long holiday, I did not know that I was supposed to remind him of our MD's birthday. I was new back then, and didn't even know it was the MD's birthday much less, need to remind anyone about it.. Boy! Was he furious.. He even said if ever I head the department, the company would collapse..

I tried to make his favourite Chinese tea one time, and I was scolded for serving him coloured water.

When he found out that I got married without inviting anyone from the office, that was when it got very obvious I was his least favourite employee.

I tried to get out of his way most of the time since then... Wishing I could disappear and blend with the wall and held my breath every single time he walked pass by.

As time passed by, he finally did acknowledge my work, but I remained fearful of him. And yet, he was the one who promoted me; and at even one point over ruled my senior's decision to nominate me for the Best Employee Award. Despite my fear of him, he restored my 'old school' ideals about an Ang Mo Boss. I guess his 'Traditionalist/Baby Boomer' character matches what my 'Gen-X + Capricorn'  character expects from a boss.

And despite my fear of him, I do have to give him credit that he was the one who taught me about not to fear making big decision.

If you read my earlier posts about my struggle with the decision to migrate or not to migrate a couple of years ago, you might wonder what gave me the affirmation to just go for it. One day as we were discussing about work related matter and my senior happen to hesitate to make a decision. That was when he said 'Do not be afraid to make a decision. Sometimes the decision is right, sometimes it will not be right. That is ok. But don't be afraid to decide'..

To a risk-averse person like me, those sentences were life changing.

As much as I fear him, I somehow drew courage to take step to get out of my comfort zone, from his advise.

That was the day I decided to just go for it. In fact, I could still hear his voice saying those word. 'Don't be afraid to make a decision'..

Fast forward to the present, what happened during my farewell dinner shocked me to my core. It shocked everyone who attended as well. We have not seen him cried like that ever before. I have worked for the company for 10 years  and I have never seen him cried. Yes, I have seen him gone ballistics in anger before, but never turned red nosed, cried and hugged anyone.

( Except for one colleague who have been telling me that he gets emotional whenever he asked her why did I choose to resign. She was the only one who told me, 'I told you so!') For the rest who knew him better than I do, they said because he had too much to drink.

Well, whatever the reason was, it shocked me that my leaving effected him at all. What more to say that way. I thought I was nobody to him. For a nobody, who was so used to fearing him, (and wishing that she could disappear and blend with the wall whenever he walked passed by) ;to see that  the Chairman cried during her farewell dinner, it was really something.

Of course, I told him that it was him who gave me the courage to make one of the hardest decision in my life. I told him I drew courage from his word of wisdom and I will carry it with me in my next chapter in life.

The hug erased all the fear I have of him for the last 10 years.

It was a huge affirmation for me.

It will be something I treasure more than the award he gave me.

It also eases the closure of this old chapter with much fondness, as I begin a new one.

Walk ahead

It feels really weird to be calling candidates to attend an interview for a position which you will let go of soon. To find your replacement. It feels surreal. And if I allow myself to think about it much longer, I would start to feel really sad.

I find myself doubting this decision.

I find myself hoping, that I would not regret it.

For the past weeks since I tendered my resignation, and since the reality of that decision really sunk in, I find myself praying and telling Father God to please know that I am grateful for what I do have now.

I told Him I am thankful for the little house that I have, the old car that I drive, the 'I-have-fallen-out-of-love' job that I have, in general, the life that I lead here. I have gone to the extreme, to even thank Him for the kitchen towels that I have. {Yes, I am weird that way, in case you have not figure it out}.

And if He would just tell me to stay, I would.

I do not know why I had this desperate feeling of telling Him that I do not want Him to think that I am taking everything here for granted.

As if He does not know..

So that has been my prayer lately..

And today, I came across this Bible verse.

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And with that, everything falls back into perspective.

 

It was not easy for me to get to where I am at this point. By right, I had everything against me, but by His grace, I am here.

 

Most people are aghast that it appeared to be so easy for me get to this point. When in fact, it has been one of the hardest things I have every done.

 

Letting go of this job, is just part of the process.

 

I have been too preoccupied with the process, that I forgot to look ahead. I have been too focused on looking back, despite the fact that intellectually, I know I should only look ahead..

 

Okay, I admit, I am scared to step out of my comfort zone.

 

How do people do this?...

 

*Breathe*

 

Now, I just have to lift one foot to take the next step forward.. After that, I need to lift the other foot.

 

Hmm. Sound like a good plan. Let's do this!