"Congratulation !!! Your application has a Case Officer located.."
That was the the opening of an email I received while I was away on a short trip with hubby, last week. I stared at my blackberry reading it over and over again. I did not know how to feel.
To be honest I was not having a good day that day, and I was just starting to cool off, when I read it.
I had to make a call to make sure my eyes were not playing tricks on me. Needed to make sure that email was not some cruel spam. The person on the other line, was gushing and happy on my behalf, and somewhat perplexed over my non-excitement. She further explained what I needed to do. And yes, we have reached the final stage of the 'Decision'.
After I hung up, I just sat there and thought, 'This is it".
I have not told my parents and other family members about it. Whenever I do opened up about it, all I received are blank stares. Stares that held back myriads of emotions. Disbelief ("
How could you do this?, Why are you doing this? "); Rejections ( although I am not rejecting them in any way or form); Fear ("
What will happen to you?") and Hope(
"Please change your mind".)
So, until I received the final answer, I have chosen to just keep this from them.
I do ask myself, why am I doing this? What am I looking for? Hubby asked me about the possibility of opting for this ' Decision' not less than two and a half years ago, I answered him a straight and flat 'No'.
A lot has happened that pushed and opened up my mind to make this decision. I guess, it is true. You just never know for sure, what you thought you know for sure. ( Does that makes sense?)
A lot of prayer goes into this 'Decision' as well. I told Heavenly Father, there is no way I am stepping unto this path, if He is not there with me in every steps. So, far He has never failed to show that He is.
How do I know? Well, I have made so many other decisions, and only met with closed doors that I just could not pry open. In fact, even for this 'Decision', when I planted my dream and told Him about it, I did not expect much from it. I just told Him I do not know why I feel the way I did, I just do. I have no idea how to go chase after it. I did try a few doors and they all slammed shut on my face.
It was not until, I surrendered to Him and let it go, that a little window started to open. I peeked through the window and asked Him , 'This way?". I was quite resistant to try that window, because I could not bear to have even that, shut against my already crooked nose. I did not feel like going through that again.
All it takes, is just climb over that window, and doors starts opening. Just when you thought, you are to take Door A, it shut; then Door B opened effortlessly. All I need to do, is take the next step, even if I do not feel like I could do it.
And now we have come to this stage.
I wanted to journal this today, because I need something to remind me about it in future.
"What I feel, may not be the reality. Just because I do not see it yet, it does not mean it is not coming my way"
